i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
