Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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