I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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