There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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