please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
