I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Randomize
