booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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