she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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