Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
