At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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