i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
