looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
