she woke up with a sticky ear
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
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