she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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