Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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