proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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