dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
