he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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