oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
