last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
are you so shy because you have an std?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
