i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
