New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
