I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
whose ass print is on the piano?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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