Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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