I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
