What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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