he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
