I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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