She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Randomize
