You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
