She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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