I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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