That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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