My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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