I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
