He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
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