For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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