I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
