Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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