tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
