I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
