i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Randomize