you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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