Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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