; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
