she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
