so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
