i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
She bit a glass in half.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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