I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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