$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
