Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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