My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
whose parrot is this?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Randomize
