i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
