I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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